Coping with loss and finding a balance

I will always remember returning home on the 30th Jan 2015 to find my father lifeless on the sofa, with the television still on. My words to him were, “wake up Dad, go up (to your room) and sleep”. If I wanted to, I can recount this scene and everything that unfolded that night; but it is a memory, alongside other memories with and of my Dad, that I choose to compartmentalise and not think about now. I bury it deep down inside, lock and key, and reserve it only for the most private of moments when I allow myself to be vulnerable. 

All the self-help books/guides/kits and people around say that things will get easier with time. I think it does. Not because we forget, but because we learn to cope with the grief and loss. My defence mechanism is now better oiled and I have learnt how to react and respond when it comes to events that used to revolve around him. 

Instead, the other thing I am learning to manage, very tenderly, is the other half he left behind, my mother. For the most part, she is incredibly independent and has been very strong throughout this ordeal, but this doesn’t take away the fact that the love of her life is no longer here with us and there will be many a times, as we all get so occupied with our own lives, when she would feel so alone in this big universe. 

This is a new balance I need to figure out not only because I owe it to my mother for being the biggest giver of all time, but also I know this is what Dad would have wanted - for us to love and protect our mother like he did. 

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